Tuesday, January 5, 2010

An Attempted Look into 2010

I was reluctant to write this post. See, last year my life was very clear. I was going to school, trying to get healthy, trying to survive in school...it was sort of high school all over again, but with some adult training thrown in for good measure. Not very much to think about, just doing. My life was already sort of planned for me...at least...for the year...

This year, so much has changed. I'm engaged to be married. I always thought I understood the bond that a husband and a wife share. I romanticized it, and sometimes even envied those with significant others to faun over. It's only now, with Darling Dearest in the hospital, that I realize how much that other person gets under your skin, gets inside of you in every way, and how incomplete you feel without them. She's only in the hospital, but I can't go see her everyday, I can't be there all the time, and I classes start back Monday. And even though I've been doing it for years, I can't imagine going back to school without her. In addition, since so much of me is wrapped up in her, the whole year feels up in the air. How fast she gets better, how fast she recovers, how fast she regains movement and cognizances...it's all up to her.

With that said, when I sat down to make resolutions, I had no idea what I wanted to resolve. With Darling Dearest...nothing feels as bad. My life was almost absolutely perfect. If I gained a little weight...so what? She loved me. If I didn't read as much as I wanted to...so what? I spent time I wasn't reading with her. If I didn't do my homework as promptly as I should have...so what? I had more important things to do--like spend my time with her. Now, it's a similar, but starkly different feeling. Now it's almost pathetic. If I gain weight...so what? The person I care about is miles away from me. If I don't do my homework...so what? I'd rather be with her in the hospital.

I realize this is not the mindset to have. And so, with that, I have decided on my resolutions.

1) Try to eat healthy and get my weight down. It's a problem that runs in my family, and I want to nip it in the bud. I'm trying to create good habits that will carry over into the years when losing weight will be a real problem. Obviously I can't exercise...because I can't do any real lifting or running until my leg heals, but I can control what I eat, portion size, snacks, etc. This will also be good for me, because it will force me to work through my depression in a way other than eating--which is what I notice I do when I get depressed.

2) I'm going to try to do my homework promptly. While this shouldn't be a problem, I get bored with it easily, and I would rather go and do other things. But without Darling Dearest, I don't have to desire to go out much. I figure maybe I can use this to my advantage to get my homework and studies done. The better I do in school, the better chance I have at graduating sooner, and regardless of when Darling Dearest goes back, the better chance I'll have at getting a job and securing my life with Darling Dearest.

3) I going to try to write more. This is a staple resolution. I love to write, and on those days when the writing is fresh and new, I get this thrill that I can't get anywhere else. But eventually, whether because of school or other important things, the writing falls by the wayside, and when I try to go back to it I've lost interest in the project. I have the same problem with a lot of things--homework, working out, writing, reading--I lose interest and lack the drive to get myself motivated to do it when I don't want to. So that's gotta be fixed. As for the specifics of the writing goal, I really don't know what I want to do. I don't know how much I can write a day, because I've never really written everyday despite of my schedule.

4) I'm going to try to read more. I like to read, and I notice that I put it aside because TV is mindless and easy. I don't like that I settle on mindless and easy. I think I'd like to read an hour a day. That should help with multiple things, including the Lit classes I will be taking. Also, it means that can try again to read 50 books this year. 23 is a disgraceful number. Not even half. Ha ha. I would like to do better than that this year.

5) I'm going to try to keep from wallowing in depression. It's easy to slip into that mindset. To start blaming myself for what happened, and to get depressed about how good things were compared to how crappy they are now. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. So I'm going to try to keep my mind off of things and be hopeful and strong. I have to be hopeful and strong, for Darling Dearest, for me, for our future together.

So that's my resolutions. To be healthy, to do my homework, to write, to read, and to be strong. It seems like such an easy to do list written out like that. Here's hoping I'm up to the task.

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